What's wrong with us?

Sometime ago, there was a discussion on the spate of suicides by farmers in India. Someone suggested that to solve the problem, the pesticide manufacturers should focus on the matter and that son-in-laws who harass for dowries are also a problem. Could be...

I am really not qualified to speak on this. The reasons are:

1. I come from a village in the City
2. I never attempted or committed suicide, and
3. I never interviewed anyone who committed suicide successfully.

Homicide is another matter, however. All the same, qualifications don't matter to air views, do they?

Besides, I always don't say nothing when I have nothing to say. So, here I go…

There was talk that since a majority of the people in India consume pesticides while committing suicide, if the pesticide industry and other poison manufacturers focused on the problem, it could be solved.

Sure it can be. If they do focus, this is what might happen I think...

A committee with members from the governing and non-governing parties will be formed to determine which chemicals fall under the umbrella of pesticides and which fall under medicines. After a protracted delay and exchange of money laden suitcases, they will come up with a
list.

Sorting the list out will be very difficult because most medicines these days contain pesticides and the APMSM (The Association of Pesticide Manufacturers, Sellers and Marketers) will claim sole proprietary rights over pesticides and will have a long drawn legal battle with AMDPI (The Association of Medicinal Drug Producing Industries).

To add to this tangle, the CBPAI (Cool Beverage Producers Alliance of India) will say that their beverages too contain pesticides and that no one can dispute their birthright to add pesticides to the cool drinks and bottled water. They will contend that in these difficult times, they are helping the society by building its immunity to pesticides.

They claim that after prolonged use of their beverages, the entire society becomes resistant to pesticides and thus the desired result will be achieved without education, counseling or any other method.

They stop short of saying that they sometimes add pests too to speed up the immunization process. The VPU (Vegetable and Fruit Producers Union) will also join hands with CBPAI with the same logic. The SCUI (Student's Coalition of Unionised India) and the VVAS (viSva
vidyArthi aBhivRddhi samiti) will call it a violation of the constitution to term pesticides as chemicals or medicines. They will come out into the streets in protests expressing their opinion that pesticides are their sole source for country made indigenous explosive devices (CMIEDs) and that they should not be brought under control. They also will go on to demonstrate the efficacy of their inventions on the streets.

After a protracted fight between all concerned and an enormous delay, the tangle might get cleared, and a final list will be prepared. It will then be decided that the following procedures should be followed to ensure that pesticides don't fall into wrong hands.

• Before selling pesticides, the pesticide suppliers should first ascertain that the buyer is a farmer.
• This can be easily confirmed if the buyer is in possession of a farmer Identity card (FIC). The farmer card will have the photograph of the farmer and no one else. If the card has the photograph of someone else, then it means the holder of the card is not a farmer.
  It could also mean that the card is of someone else and not the person holding it. No amount of pleading by the alleged farmer that the error was committed by the officials who issued the card will help.
• If the farmer holds a card that has been erroneously issued to him with someone else's photograph, it is his bounden duty to disguise himself as the person in the photograph and imitate his smile or a lack of it as the case may be. The seller of pesticides should
  display in a prominent place a chart containing the names and addresses of plastic surgeons in the vicinity for this purpose.
  Failure to display such a chart will result in the cancellation and forfeiture of the supplier's LTSP (License to sell pesticides).
• Under no circumstances will a duplicate or corrected card be issued to the person failing to hold a card with his own photograph.
• It is the mistake of the farmer to have looked like someone else when the photograph was taken in the first place. Hence, the onus is on him to look like the person in the photograph once again.
• If the card contains somebody else's name, the farmer should promptly notify the same to FICIA (Farmer Identity Card Issuing Authority) and issue an advertisement in all leading newspapers informing of his change in name.
• Once the identity of the buyer as a farmer is ensured, the supplier should also ensure that the farmer has already seen a psychiatrist and obtained a NPSC (not prone to suicide certificate).
• Psychiatrists who are qualified from government colleges will be certified by the government if they apply for the same using form 7 of the applications brochure. The other six forms will be strictly for official use, but can be retained by the psychiatrist for future reference. Those qualified from non-government colleges will be exempt from such stipulation and can therefore start issuing NPSCs directly.
• Any supplier found selling pesticides to farmers without FIC or NPSC will be liable to have their LTSPs (License to sell pesticides) cancelled for life and beyond.
• Even while selling pesticides to farmers in possession of FIC and NPSC, all suppliers should conduct a test of the farmers on a lie-detector machine (Polygraph) to ensure that they intend to use the pesticides for the intended purposes only and that they will not use
  it in the future for any purposes other than those stipulated in the FSPA (Farmer suicide prevention act, 2004).
• The results of the polygraph test along with the FIC and NPSC in original with un-forgeable holograms and bar codes should be forwarded to the FSPC (Farmer Suicide Prevention Cell) for proper scrutiny and approval.
• Officers from the FSPC will conduct visits and surprise background checks on the farmer who intends to buy pesticides. They will check all the antecedents like bank balance, debt history, number of daughters to be married, number of sons to be educated, dowry demands of son-in-laws and would-be son-in-laws, health, love-life, relations with money-lenders, ground water level, availability of free power, weather situation in the region, monsoon related studies, marriage life, etc. to ascertain their PPW (pesticide possession worthiness).
• And this well thought out and efficient process goes on and on plugging all loopholes…
  …while the farmer and his family decide to drink water from some of our rivers instead, to fulfill their wishes…

Do we know now what's wrong with us?